


The Chemical Defects of Sherlock Holmes

by orphan_account



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: I Tried, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-05
Updated: 2013-11-05
Packaged: 2017-12-31 13:28:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1032228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock will not lose again</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Chemical Defects of Sherlock Holmes

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this forever ago (wow) and I originally posted it to tumblr but I think it belongs here. It's really short (I think I wrote and edited it in less than a hour but I cant remember) but its kind of poetic (?) and I like it.  
> Anywhore... enjoy (or not)  
> *completely un-betaed*

“‘Feelings are a chemical defect found in the loosing side”

He has to remind himself of that more often now. He cannot afford to lose, better for him never to know than be lost like the rest. It hurts but its better.

Its also a lie

He lost when he was 16. To the other one: Red hair, blue eyes, and a slight quick mouth that quirked to the left when they kissed. There had never been anyone else that got under his skin in such a way, caused his steady heart to flutter and his hyperactive mind to fizzle and shut off. It had been freeing, he felt for the first time… really and truly FELT.

because he had been beaten.

He realizes this now of course. Nearly 12 years after the fact, that it was his fault. He had allowed feelings to take over, he had let the wolf inside so to speak, and like a hungry wolf would, love had eaten his heart out and left him with nothing.

He vowed never to make that same mistake.

And he hasn’t, hes been very vigilante. But he knew that there would be another, like they had told him after the funeral, after they had buried the only person he ever truly loved, “there will be others Sherlock” he had scoffed at the time, there would never be another one. But somewhere in his mind he knew it was true and it had scared him.

There hadn’t been anyone for 12 years. He had thought for a time that maybe he had grown beyond those foolish adolescent feelings, that he was invincible, bulletproof, immune. He didn’t need love.

Then he met John.

John who makes his heart flutter and his mind shut off. John who is always there with a lost smile and an aggravating yet adorably stupid question about the blatantly obvious. John who makes him go mad. John who keeps him sane…

John who must never know.

Living together is difficult. To be so close to someone but not be able to touch them is the slowest form of suicide.

Sometimes it gets to be too much, pretending. At these times he lies awake, staring at the patch of ceiling where he knows John’s bed is, separated from him only by wood and plaster. Sometimes he even allows himself to dream about how things might’ve been, If John were his like he is irrevocably Johns. If John were lying next to him instead of on his own bed upstairs, so close but so far away at the same time. 

It hurts him.

Once John fell asleep on the sofa, exhausted, stretched out like an angel with no wings. He watched John sleep, wondering what he dreamed about. He wanted to touch him, to kiss his softly parted lips and run his hands through his hair. He wanted to solve the mystery of Johns sleep-mumbled words and when the nightmare came around 4 am he wanted to take him in his arms and comfort him.

But he couldn’t.

When John woke the next morning and asked “did you sleep at all?” his voice sleep heavy and his eyes still seeing dreams. Sherlock shook his head ‘no’ and turned back to the books on the table. It didn’t matter really he decided.

Feelings are a chemical defect found in the losing side... and he would not lose again.


End file.
